I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
