I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
