Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
