i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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