I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
