I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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