Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Randomize
