I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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