i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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