You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
