I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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