he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
