Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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