Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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