there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
