his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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