I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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