I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
