Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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