Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
