in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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