it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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