im about as happy as oj after his trial
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
