one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
