Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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