My room smells like vodka and shame
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
