So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
