I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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