I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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