It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
