4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
