Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
