Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
