what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
