I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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