remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
