Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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