My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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