you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
