i already hear my dad disowning me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
