We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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