The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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