If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
