Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
