Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
