you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
try to milk me bitch
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
