Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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