im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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