even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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