Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
